You Wonder

Photo by Aditya Joshi on Unsplash

You wonder

Why I am this way

The intensity in my gaze

The burden of pain,

The deceit unfazed.

Looming exhaustion from the nights unslept, 

Dragging beneath the burdens bore too long. 

I let you believe I was soft 

Like my knife hadn’t been sharpened on the edge,

You never thought I would pull back, 

Cold in the night 

Without a second thought. 

The thing is,

I wasn’t born this way,

I was made this way.

So if you want a reason why,

When you see the darkness in my eyes,

The child tortured and left behind – 

Remember,

That I’m nothing,

If not a product of my environment.

I recognize your darkness, 

I’ve seen it all before.

I’ve known worse than you,

I know you’ll hurt me too. 

Your disappointment will come as no surprise –

I’ve been to hell many times. 

If you want the answer why,

Look around 

And you will see 

I was created by all of you –

Your hate carved me

Into the person 

I came to be.

So if you want a reason why,

When you see the darkness in my eyes,

The child tortured and left behind,

Remember,

That I’m nothing

If not a product of my environment.

Conflicted

Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

Conflicted

Wondering if pure love exists or is just depicted

Images surrounding me

Hounding me

Fairytales crumble in front of me

Wondering why love looks back differently.

Wishing it’s warmth would wash up on me

I feel highs, then lows and jealousy.

Wishing I knew if you were into me like I am into you

Wondering how you still talk to those you were involved with

Longed for, adored and cared for

Do you still hold on to the past?

Do you leave the door open in case 

She might come back?

Leaves me wondering if attachment is worth it all – 

The rise and the fall

Is this world too tempestuous for the love I crave to exist?

I want to trust you – Is it my insecurity?

Based on history these feelings have validity

I feel myself sinking into this uncertainty

Wishing I felt our love with more security.

Another Night

Spent a lot time in darkness

Looking for the light

Lot of times shit felt hopeless,

Thought I’d never get it right.

I move in the night easier than the day

I’ve known the moon longer than the sun

So much time alone 

Thought I was the only one.

I’ve felt the pressure

And carried the weight

I’ve met the devil 

Sometimes even sat in his place.

I’m only grounded when my feet touch the floor 

I’m only myself when the pain hits my core 

I doubt hope and I fear joy 

Strangers I look at from afar 

Dancing in the streets while I cry in the car. 

Looking for the day 

But it’s just another night.

The Observer

Photo by Tom Chrostek on Unsplash

I am the fly on the wall, 

Silent,

Yet present. 

You wonder why I do not speak, 

You do not realize, 

That is because I am listening.

I am analyzing, 

I am understanding.

I place you into frame, 

I see your lightness and your darkness, 

I see your features and faults, 

Your movements 

and most of all, 

I see you.

Only then do I know, 

How I will approach you, 

How I will protect myself from you,

How you will know me. 

For only the observer knows,

Where to strike, 

Where to hide, 

And especially, 

In what capacity you two, 

Shall coincide.

Alone

You will never feel more alone, 

Than when you are surrounded by other people

And no one says a word to you,

No one looks at you,

You are the wind as they pass by. 

On a train full of others, 

Sardined next to one another, 

Staring at their little bright boxes

Connected to everyone 

but each other. 

All of these people,

Moving through space and time,

Together, 

Yet entirely and utterly

Alone.

Musings on Life & Change

Photo by NASA on Unsplash

You haven’t lived life until you become everything you said you would never become and do everything you said you never would do. 

Everything you think you know evolves into something else and just when you think you have it figured out, the entropy of life smiles back at you. 

You never know who you’ll be until you arrive at that moment, finding a new piece of you that you didn’t know existed within yourself.

Life is an incredibly messy experience. 

We constantly try to categorize life into simpler terms to aid our understanding and expedite decision-making processes.

However, there are often errors in making assumptions. 

Life is confusing, chaotic, unpredictable. 

We try to assign meaning to the events we observe, but we must keep in mind that such meaning originates within ourselves. It does not exist outside of us.

The universe has its own language, its own mind, its own sense. 

We can try to understand, perhaps as a dog would try to understand a human, but we simply do not have the same biological capacity to do so. 

We tell ourselves we are intelligent and that we are capable of understanding the ‘why’, but really that is a human projecting their own ego onto the world. 

For, in the end, the universe is much larger and grand than any of us ever could be. 

It will be here when we leave and extend far beyond our small version of existence. 

Surrendering to the power, depth, and mystery of the universe is the only way forward. 

The universe cannot be conquered or possessed, only experienced for the short time we are conscious within it. 

Life is like a dance we hold onto while we can, enjoying the flow and movement around us, created by us. 

We hold the hands of life and feel the arms of love touch us and embrace us. 

We feel the excitement and the nervousness of the dance, not knowing all of the steps. 

We try to keep up while feeling one step behind. We make mistakes but the rhythm of the music carries us onto the next movement. 

When the dance comes to an end, we smile back thinking of the joy we felt and watch as others continue to dance alongside us. 

The only peace and power I have found is to say that I don’t know;

To observe and to learn from that which is much wiser than any of us could ever be.

Companion music:

Lost Blood

We only ever talk on birthdays and Christmas,

Seems like those were the darkest days of my life you had to witness.

All you saw were the surface level actions,

Failing to see that I was trying to escape –

Trying to find a moment of pleasure,

Albeit, temporarily,

In all the pain.

The true self, 

Desperate for help.

Desperate for love.

All you could see was the chaos and mess.

You thought I made bad choices,

Sometimes you were right.

But all I really wanted,

Was for you to bring me to the light.

To tell me you love me,

To support me,

To not leave me there alone.

All my life,

I just wanted someone who knew,

That I was struggling inside.

To look deeper,

To see the inner child,

With the tears in her eyes.

Letting Go

I look around my home

I see the wooden parts,

All of the small pieces.

They are in boxes,

They are on shelves,

They are on the floor.

I see the diagrams,

The details,

Scattered around the table.

I walk room by room,

Picking up every piece,

Putting them in my arms.

I bring them back to set on the table.

I pick up my tools,

Beginning to assemble the structure.

The mast, 

The sail, 

The hull. 

The sun sets,

As night gradually enters through the window.

I work through the night, 

Candles illuminating the shapes and pages.

Finally, 

I pick up my completed piece. 

I walk down to the park,

Seeing the ducks swim by.

I walk up to the water,

Bending down to set my craft into the lake.

And with a push,

I watch it sail away.

All the parts and pieces,

Scattered around my home,

No longer.

I feel a weight lift,

As I watch it drift into the morning sun.

And as I walk away,

I feel free,

Once more.

Companion music:

The Girl in the Mirror

It is easy to go through life
Without looking upon your own reflection.
Or
To purposely avoid it.
Until you spend a period of time,
With a mirror right across from you.
Where you are forced to acknowledge,
The girl in the mirror.
The unsettling angles and curves,
The colors, shapes, and sizes.
Realities that could always be willfully ignored before,
Now staring right back.
And the acknowledgement that this is the girl
Who everyone else sees,
Everyone, but me.
And I wonder
If there is a way
To love the girl in the mirror.
To not run away from her
But to embrace her,
Because she is the one
Who truly exists.
Not the carefully curated version
She created for herself.

X

Self Care & Car Maintenance

Like owning a car, scheduled maintenance is necessary to avoid much larger costs; Costs that are not just financial, but those that come at a personal expense as well.

We may see getting an oil change as an inconvenience, something we put off.

We see tire rotation as something suggested, and perhaps unnecessary.

Human nature likes to tell us that we will be the outlier, the one that will not be affected like the others.

Without enduring the minor inconveniences comes major risk and critical failures.

What starts out as not wanting to pay for a brake replacement, may in turn end a human life.

If we carry this sentiment into life, we will be better off.

“Like any operating machine, the human body is made up of a series of systems. Each component in the system serves a specific function to keep the system operating. There are biological pumps, valves, pipes, filters, wiring, as well as contents under pressure. And, just like a mechanical system, if the stress on the components is high enough, those parts can fail.”

Our body is like any other piece of equipment. It needs regular maintenance and care to prolong its use.

Many of us do not take care of our body. We treat it as disposable, an afterthought, something we will replace later on. In reality, this is the only body given to us in this life.

What you consume, in many ways, you become.

Whether it is the food you eat or the content you read, be mindful of what you take in. It may affect you more than you realize.

So, take a moment to reflect and see how you are taking care of your own vehicle.

You owe it to yourself to make the ride as smooth as possible, because there will surely be enough bumps in the road to keep you occupied otherwise.

Source:

https://www.insidetucsonbusiness.com/news/the_next_generation/a-mechanical-engineers-view-of-the-human-body/article_d8149367-7b1b-583b-88ec-ddd5fe7adce1.html#:~:text=Like%20any%20operating%20machine%2C%20the,of%20a%20series%20of%20systems.&text=And%2C%20just%20like%20a%20mechanical,enough%2C%20those%20parts%20can%20fail.